Nostalgia means "I love you"
A few minutes ago my iPod, randomly shuffling
between a 605 track playlist, played "Everyday" by Dave Matthews
Band.
I was putting up window tint, and not thinking about you at all at the time.
It immediately made me think of - not of you exactly, but of the feeling of
you, the general thought of you.
Within the next second, it reminded me of Stanford
and then El Cerrito. Then again,
not really the places, but the feelings that go along with them, a memory not
of any particular site or sound, but of the feeling I had when I was there
And of course, the places themselves were of no
significance, it was the person I was with who made those places interesting,
something to look forward to.
I have the feeling of "nostalgia" now and then, from different
things, about different things. In one way it is a good feeling, but usually it
is more just interesting than it is pleasant. The good component is usually
balanced by an unpleasant part, which is much too subtle to explain, almost too
subtle to even notice, but it is there none-the-less.
I can't remember a feeling of nostalgia which was as filled with warmth. Warmth
is precisely it. It was all pleasant feeling, even with what has been going on
recently. It made me realize something:
I think I really was in love with you, long before I was aware of it, long
before I told you, long before I admitted it. Not just "love" in the
sense that I have loved you all along and continue to, not just care and
positive regard, but "in" love, with that extra little special
something which is indefinable.
-A digression:
I have updated my theories of love. I used to
belittle the feeling of "in" love as either being "just" a
crush or infatuation, or lust, in any case, not real, not sustainable.
These certainly can be factors, and the three can be impossible to distinguish
sometimes. But, when accompanied by "real" love (you know what I
mean), the distinction comes in the indefinable element.
You can list the factors which make a person
someone you would love, but there are always other things, subtle, indefinable,
unplaceable things, which are still very real despite being incommunicable,
which are the extra element, which make it "in" love.
Sometimes I would say I loved you, and you would
ask why, and I might say I wasn't sure. Which you took to mean it was either
untrue or meaningless. But really, it was very true, and very meaningful.
Probably more so than the list of qualities could ever be. You do fulfill the
'list', but another person who filled the list might not be the same to me as
you are.
I had always assumed that when people used the term
"chemistry" they were essentially talking about lust. But, this
morning I was thinking about all this; you said something to the effect that if
certain others had specific qualities, (and maybe they will turn out to) I
would really like her - but I don't feel for anyone, now, ever, quite the way I
did (and still do) for you, even back when I didn't admit it. Perhaps it could
be called "chemistry"; whatever it is, it's missing with others.
I was also thinking about commitment. I used to think that if any two
people are together, and a 3rd comes along who is better (by the standards of
the 'list') for one, they should, logically, split, and be with the new person.
I disagree with that now.
There is an activation energy, a minimum threshold, which must be overcome for
that formula to be valid.
The up hill which must be passed consists of many things:
The difficulty and unpleasantness of breaking up, the giving up of an acquired
closeness, risk in replacing someone you know is good for you with someone you merely
suspect to be better, and the lack of the stability, comfort, and reassurance
which comes with commitment - whether or not it is ever acted upon.
The person has to be not only better in an absolute sense, but so much better
as to be worth all of those negative aspects of both the transition and the
mind set. For, even if the long term benefit of a new person outweighed the
difficulties of the transition, just having that mindset means both people
would have to live forever with the constant threat of the loss of their
partner. This in and of itself would cause problems, jealousy, unhappiness,
stress, fear, discomfort. For, no two people could ever be 100% perfect for
each other 100% of the time, and the possibility of someone "better"
is always present.
But when the drawbacks of a transition to a "better" are taken into
account, the amount of "betterness" required grows considerably.
And when I think about it, you, for me, are too close to ideal for
someone else, no matter how much "better" to ever overcome that
threshold energy. You, plus the threshold, equals an unimaginably unrealistic
vision of perfection - a perfection plus; it makes as much sense as sentencing
10 consecutive life sentences, its simply meaningless.
Given that, I know now that I would be willing to commit to
you.
Not just "getting married" in the legal sense, or buying a house
together, or even having a child together.
But as a decision inside myself.
I know that you don't feel that way. Which is unfortunate and sad, but its ok.
It doesn't change my feeling, nor my willingness. If someday in the future you
were interested, you should know where I stand. I realize that you probably
feel completely different than me on the subject, and definitely at least
somewhat differently, and also that even if you did see it the same way, you
have doubts as to whether or not I could be that person for you. I suspect you
will come around after going through what ever you have to in the mean time,
but maybe I'll turn out to be wrong, and then that's just the way things go.
If we can not be together in the long run, I think I will want to know you
again, be friends with you... eventually.
That would be hard for me, very, especially at first. I will still love you,
and I will probably still be in love with you too. (Right, "still".
As in, I'm beginning to suspect that I have been all along, but since its
constant, I don't notice, like the hum on an airplane, except when it is
unusually strong.) And, since we have already separated, most of the elements
of that threshold are irrelevant, I am still confident you will remain my first
choice for life partners. But a little of you is better than none at all, (once
I get used to it), just like it is now. Another thing I think you should know.
