28 July 2008

Constructive critism (your chance to say what you always thought, but were too polite to say)

  • Jul 28, 2008

Constructive critism (your chance to say what you always thought, but were too polite to say)

Several independent people have brought up in one way or another the concept of telling someone (specifically me) what one thinks may be wrong with them, and the idea that this would always be offensive and/or hurtful and that it would always be resisted.
Several people have suggested that perhaps it is best to let someone figure it out for themselves - no matter how long it takes, no matter how much negative things they may endure in the mean time.  Those "no matter"s aren't said explicitly, but it is inherent and unavoidable.

I realize and understand that many people have fragile egos.  I understand how any kind of negativity can be interpreted as an insult or personal attack.
So, as far as me interacting with others, I have been trying, and plan to continue to try, to apply that advice, and not give advise or opinions unsolicited.

I want everyone to realize that I am not like most people in some ways.
I do not have low-self-esteem issues.  If anything, I have high-self-esteem issues.  I have plenty of self-confidence. 
However, I do not think, and never have thought, that I am perfect.

I want, and try, to be as honest and objective about myself as I possibly can.
But, of course, being inside my own head, it is impossible to be totally objective about myself.

Sometimes I need help.
If not for a total coincidence, I would not EVER have come to the conclusion that I have some significant attachment issues of my own that affect how I interact with everyone in my life, "on my own".  It wasn't just "time" or "self-reflection" that brought me to understand this.  It was learning new information. 

24 July 2008

A total change of perspective

  • Jul 24, 2008

A total change of perspective

What an experience these last few days have been!

So, from where I left off...

I did not end up learning to sail that day, as my friend / instructor had last minute craziness.
However, I actually didn't feel very disappointed because, in a way, now I get to enjoy the feeling of looking forward to it for another week (or perhaps because I'm scared of falling into the cold wet bay - which is apparently inevitable)
With the unexpected free time I did the laundry, the dishes, a thorough work out (I am getting close to being able to clean and jerk my own body weight), proof-read the blog from the night before, checked my PO box, I can't remember all what else.

As night approached, after that horrible experience the night before of trying and failing to sleep, of spending hours awake in the silent dark, alone with my thoughts a second time, I decided that instead I would not even try to sleep.
This time I took the opposite route, modofinil and caffeine pills and some primeatene just to jump start it, cranked up the music, turned on every light in the house, and did some exercising.

With hours to kill, I looked up an internet forum I found months ago when I was trying to learn more about the sort of psychological issues I suspected my wife of having related to her traumatic childhood, and how it was likely to play out in our marriage.

This time though, instead of looking with a focus on figuring out how to best improve our relationship, I was just looking for general validation and emotional support from people who had dealt with the exact same issues themselves.  There are many post both from people who have attachment problems of their own as well as spouses and former spouses of them.

23 July 2008


  • Jul 23, 2008


Despair, disgust, apathy, fear, anger and hatred all beckon to me

I do not know what to say to them

And so I stare silently

Like a sheep, encountering a new fence


an update

  • Jul 23, 2008

an update

devoid of meaning

a faint echo of death keeps whispering to me from the distance

I do not hear it

I can not heed it

I do not wish to

I know I will not

But it is there